I swear my eyes cross as I stare at the email draft ensuring the name and to box are addressed accordingly. My knees turn to mush and my brain seems to sizzle out of confidence, and yet I still click that magical, can never take it back ‘send’ button. Why?
I’ve never published before and until recently, if you can call the last two years recent enough, have never had the urge to try. I was happily confined to the realm of fan fiction living off the ‘awesome chapters’, the ‘you must really know what love is’, and the ‘you should pen a script.’ It was a blissful youth in amateur writing for me, and I appreciate everyone who took the time to read something as meaningless and silly as some of my former dribble was. I had no idea how to formulate dialogue, and still I had fans. Then again, maybe I was just bidding my time in finding a great personal story outside of characters already in existence.
It honestly just hit me when they found me. I’ve been told writing like that does not happen without a stronger force behind it coming from somewhere. Though, that’s no testament to how skilled my actual writing is, but I firmly believe I have a lovely story in my head that is dying to find circulation.
At times when I do my reading vs writing and tune out the voices inside my head pleading with me for more of the spotlight, I find comparisons easy. No, not the kind that makes me feels as though I’m copying styles or characters, and possible plot, but more that feeling if they can do it so can I.
I’ve been following my twitter. I now follow many agents, some I’ve been rejected by already, some who eventually will reject me, or quite possibly see the thing I’m clinging to that makes my story special and finally write me something more positive.
In my experience the no’s I have received, even the form ones, have all come with a positive energy attached. I was terrified of being told no, but in afterthought I sort of rejoiced in it. No, means you’re welcome to keep trying, and to move on. Most have been gracious enough to wish me luck, even gave me a ‘while I find your ideas interesting’ and then a resounding no attached. Once I got over the initial ‘oh damn’ moment I celebrated at least I’m trying.
Maybe I’ll never get picked up and all this worry and concern will have been a wasted effort, but you know sometimes whether you’re great at something or not, if you believe in it you need to pursue it. So I am. I just wish it was easier not becoming lightheaded and woozy as I browse the blogs and twitters to the agents I find would possibly be interested.
How do you cope with the unnecessary anxiety of waiting? I mean what’s the worst they can say? No? I fully don’t expect an agent to come to me with I’m a freaking moron and should just give up now, and they haven’t yet.